“..for such a worm as I…”
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. I started praying as is my practice when this happens. My mind went to my precious children, one by one, praying my Lord would meet them in their hour of need, show Himself to them…. And I had this thought flash through my mind … “For such a worm as I”. Mmmm. Where did that come from.
My mind went to my dear husband across the ocean on a distant shore. Thinking how he is waking up in the African morning… Same sun that warmed my skin as I stood outside today is the same sun that kisses his face, as he looks out on the African side of the Atlantic Ocean. I love marveling about just how small the world really is. The wonder of his bravery, his courage to go after the dreams and visions given to us (even though we ignored them for a time, would not go away) by the Spirit; his tenacity though thick and thin. Praying that God would give him the strength and wisdom to fight through the fear and doubt that often come, making him wonder about the promises he has been given …there’s that thought again… “For such a worm as I”… ?
My prayers went to a young man who shared with me today that his mom had tried to commit suicide for the 3 time today. He was sitting in class and got a call from the police. They had to pump her stomach. They’re thinking of sending her to a state hospital to try and deal with her depression. Then he also shares that he’s going to court next week for some big thing, he can’t afford a lawyer so he’s taking a minister to speak for him and the changes he has made since those poor choices… I pray for His “crisis of belief”, that it is going to be a good one, that he will be turned in the right direction! What brings a person to try to take their own life? Do they not give thought to those whose life such an action will touch? … I pray for her, her name is Drew. ….ooooo ….. “For such a worm as I”. Trying to ignore it now.
I thought of a quote I heard today: “it’s the losses/failures that teach you the lessons you need to move on. You will learn more in your failures than you ever will in your successes.” I must remember to tell my honey that in my email tomorrow. And the verse a young friend discovered and excitedly texted to me too… Romans 8 :28 “for we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and our called according to his purpose”. Wow. Those two quotes certainly go together…could be a whole sermon right there. Oh no. For such a worm as I. I’m going to have to get up and go find that hymn if it comes one more time.
What is that? I had this vivd memory of my Dads face as he conducted the choir at Germiston Baptist church, giving me “the look” because I couldn’t help giggling every time we sang the line in the song … “For such a worm as I”… I smiled. What is that hymn?… What was it again … “Were that an offering far too small”? Ummm “His hands His feet….” something, something.
My mind went to my dearest cousin Valerie who recently lost her husband of approximately 40 years. She had watched his once virile, expert tennis-playing body wither away to nothing during a very long battle with cancer. Grief stricken, she forgot to eat for SEVEN WEEKS! And I thought I had some struggles. Meet her Father, at this point of such great need… There it is again again …. “For such a worm as I” …. Oh no man, this is starting to bug me now!
Having grown up in church there are a few things that often fly across my thoughts when I’m meditating and praying… Like “Happy day that fixed my choice, on Him my Savior and my God” or something like that… “Take my silver and my gold, not a might would I withhold”. I remember thinking what a weird one that was. “I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Thee my precious Savior I surrender all”. Ooo and my absolute favorite, the one that always brings my fathers face to my mind…”When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And has shed his own blood for my soul. It is well, it is well…..with my soul”. And the one that only sprung to life in my understanding in more recent years : “Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe; Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow”. So… There it was again… Thank goodness for google. And I-pads.
Ah, there it is… “Alas! And Did My Savior Bleed?” by Isaac Watts, and the old lyrics are as follows:
“Alas! And did my Savior bleed?
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that Sacred Head
For such a worm as I?”
Now, here’s a surprise I didn’t expect to find. Did you know there is a whole “worm” theology. And, and they say this kind of derogatory statement is not politically correct these days! Later versions of the hymn have changed the objectionable lyrics “for such a worm as I” to “for sinners such as I?” Because nobody in this day and age of promoting self esteem and positive self images really appreciates being called a worm??? Hogwash. We ARE worms! The lot of us! JK.
But now back to my repeated remembering. Made me think of Samuel. God spoke to him 4 times before he realized it was God. So I say…. “If this is You Lord, speak to me?” How do I relate to a worm anyway? Green, squirmy, and I hate to say this, but kind of ugly little things that just look like, well, worms.
But if you examined the worm or caterpillar’s DNA, it would tell you that this, a worm has all the makings of a butterfly. He may look like, feel like and act like a long hairy, slimy or leaf eating little pest, but he is indeed, a butterfly. Even though doesn’t exactly look like a butterfly at this stage of its life. No matter how much you tell the worm he is a butterfly, and no matter how much he tries to hurry up the transformation, it will not happen until it’s time. No sooner, and no later.
Despite my wormy appearance, in II Corinthians 5:17, God tells me that I AM a new creation, because I am IN CHRIST. And there’s certainly no doubt about this, because Jesus tells me so. He says in John 5:24 “if anyone hears my words and believes Him who sent me, that person has eternal life, and will not be condemned. That person has crossed over from death to life.” And I’ve done that.
*STOP. I went around and around with all sorts of possibilities of what God could possibly be saying to me with this repeated remembering. But then I realized I was doing it again. Over analyzing. (see some of the drawn out thoughts below if you’re interested.) I do that ALL the time. I have come to understand that more often than not, there’s no deep meaning in the things God says to us… He makes it pretty simple really.
So, self, keep it simple. How to keep it simple? Keeping it simple…. (After all this busy thinking) I remembered what Pricilla Shirer said in the study I am doing:8″Discerning the Voice of God”. (Coincidence?) ” we have to RETRAIN ourselves to let our Spirit-led conscience be our guide and dominate our (logic) decision making. We are naturally more body conscious, mind conscious and emotion conscious than spirit-conscious.” “I have to foster an environment where the Spirit can flourish, fill and clearly speak to me”.
I believe His prompting with “such a worm as I” was just a nudge. A confirmation. That I can still hear His voice, even though my “wormy brain” was trying to tell me otherwise.
The child attitude to my loving Father should always be, “Speak, Lord, for Your servant is listening.” If I have not cultivated this devotion of hearing, I can only hear God’s voice at certain times; at other times I am taken up with other things – things which I think and say I must do (that shout louder). They make me deaf to Him. Its like living in the same house with my dad, and never hearing him, never listening to him, ignoring him.
Yes, I heard God’s voice today. My brain tried to send me on a goose chase; my feelings of unworthiness tried to tell me, “Nah, it’s just silly ol’ me, God wouldn’t be wanting to tell me anything”; my business and urgency to pray (ironic isn’t it?) tried to make me brush it off as a nuisance. Yes, I did hear God speak to me today.
I learned the lesson Pricilla Shirer. You reminded me that in “developing Spiritual ears” I have to take some guidelines into consideration… 1. Look for the MESSAGE of the SPIRIT. Really listen for the Holy Spirit. Turn your attention toward what you are sensing, does it carry the weight of God? Or is it the unsure, unsteady voice of your own conscience? 2. Live in the MODE of PRAYER, submit what you are hearing back to God. Listen for what He sends back to you. 3. Search out the MODE of SCRIPTURE. Does what you think you are hearing contradict the scriptures or the character of God in any way? If not take it as a Word from your Father.
4. Submit to the ministry of ELI. Seek counsel (like Samuel did) with a more mature believer who has shown evidence of discerning God voice in their own life. 5. Expect…. Expect… The VOICE of confirmation.
There is really no mystery in desiring to know and hear From God throughout the Spirit. He desires you to know His will, and for you to hear his chidings and encouragements. It’s no secret.
And wow. I turned to my favorite devotion that often inspires great though nuggets…. Today is Feb 12, the topic is “Must I Listen?” Feb 13 is “The Devotion of Hearing”. Feb 14 is “The Discipline of Heeding.” Mind boggling! Talk about confirmation on confirmation! How does He do that? Go figure.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am that my Abba, Father, is, in fact, providing me with courage and strength to walk in the imprint of His footsteps, right behind Him! One step at a time.
*The long drawn out thoughts on “being a worm”.
Okay so…? So what else could it be? Recently, through books I’ve read and a study, I have come to realize how damaging self-berating, negative self-talk is to your growth and personal development. I have realized just how fearful I have been of listening to God, because of some bad experiences of obedience AND disobedience incidences that has caused me to shy away from fully submitting to Gods promptings… There, I think I may be onto something. So? Worms and hearing God? Mmm what do they have in common?
Here’s a thought, despite what I may think about how far I’ve come in my journey, I still look and act very much like a hairy, slimy caterpillar/worm/sinner – I sin, I stumble, I’m selfish, prideful, arrogant, demanding, fearful etc., yet my New Creation DNA says that I am a beautiful new creation! I am who God says I am, despite evidence to the contrary!Hebrews says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please Him”. It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of trying to please Him by trying to be “good enough”. By trying with all my might to get rid of my worminess. By believing the lie that because I still stumble and sin and mess up and very much resemble a worm, that I probably AM just a worm, secretly. All Abba really wants out of me is a little faith, to truly believe what He says He will do. . To truly trust Him, lean on Him (He really doesn’t need all my self-effort). It is my very FAITH that pleases Him, my trust in Him that He is able to complete that which He has started in me. After all we ARE human BEINGS not Human DOINGS!
Heres another train of thought…. I believe we do not consciously disobey God, we simply do not hear Him. God has made His will very clear to me, but I simply do not pay any attention to them, not because of willful disobedience but because there is a sense in which we do not love and respect Him. “If ye love Me, ye will keep My commandments.” Have I been “disrespecting” God all this time, if so, I am covered with shame and humiliation because I have not obeyed Him.
“And they said unto Moses, Speak thou with us and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die.” Exodus 20:19. We show how little we love God by preferring to listen to His servants only. We like to listen to personal testimonies, but we do not desire that God Himself should speak to us. Why are we so terrified to be still enough to hear God speak to us? Is it possibly because we know that if God does speak, either the thing must be done or we must tell God we will not obey Him. If it is only the servant’s voice we hear, we feel it is not imperative, we can say, “Well, that is simply mans own idea, though I don’t deny it is probably God’s truth.”
Ignoring God? Am I putting God in the humiliating position of having treated me as a child of His while all the time I have been ignoring Him? When I do hear Him, the humiliation I have put on Him comes back on me – “Lord, why was I such a dimwit and so obstinate?” This is always the result when once we do hear God. The real delight of hearing Him is tempered with shame in having taken so long to realize, to “hear” Him.
“For such a worm as I”…well, I DID used to be a worm. But now, I want to walk this road of trusting Him along with my fellow Christians who are also tired of trying to LOOK good enough. There was a time when EVERYTHING I did was governed by “what would people think if they know who I really am?”. It took a year, but I went through a veer healing time with some very loving ladies who were willing to tell it like it really is, and who were also ready to shed their masks… Wow. What liberation. Life has been so much easier since then. My favorite quote from that period of my life: “If we only knew each other’s secrets, oh what comfort we would find.” — John Churton Collins
(politically correct version…)
294. Alas! and Did My Savior Bleed
Text: Isaac Watts, 1674-1748
Music: Attr. to Hugh Wilson, 1766-1824
Tune: MARTYRDOM, Meter: CM
1. Alas! and did my Savior bleed,
and did my Sovereign die!
Would he devote that sacred head
for sinners such as I?
2. Was it for crimes that I have done,
he groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity! Grace unknown!
And love beyond degree!
3. Well might the sun in darkness hide,
and shut its glories in,
when God, the mighty maker, died
for his own creature’s sin.
4. Thus might I hide my blushing face
while his dear cross appears;
dissolve my heart in thankfulness,
and melt mine eyes to tears.
5. But drops of tears can ne’er repay
the debt of love I owe.
Here, Lord, I give myself away;
’tis all that I can do.